This post is for my "Infertile Myrtle" friends!
I know there are many who read this blog and don't post comments..........who have or who are still struggling with infertility. Many have moved on and have formed families through adoption or are waiting to adopt.
Some of you went on to become pregnant!!! However, you still medically struggled with conceiving.
I have been asked to speak at a MOPS meeting at another local church here in my town. (I never told you how my first presentation went!) I will be speaking to this group in early January.
They are wanting me to talk more on how to help and minister to friends, loved ones, etc. who are dealing with infertility. You know; what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do, etc.
This is a great opportunity to educate and get the word out on how to help these hurting hearts!
I want lots of comments ladies!!! Tell me what you want these women to know as they want to support their friends, family members, etc.!!
Post anonymously if you like. Tell other bloggy friends to come and provide feedback too!! Be sure to include things that are DO's....that are helpful, comforting, etc.
22 thoughts shared:
Don't tell women dealing with inferility:
1. after you adopt you'll get pregnant
2. just relax
3. don't worry it will happen
4. have you tried....?
5. life is easy with out kids, just go on a cruise
Tell people not to overly complain about their pregnancies or babies or even about how easy they get pregnant "Ug..if my husband just looks at me I get pregnant". Etc etc. Tell them to still talk about other things in life besides pregnancy or parenthood...especially around people that struggle with infertility.
The longest post ever. I found this somewhere. It is great so I thought I would share. Let me know if you want me to send it in a different format.
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
*They will eventually conceive a baby.
*They will stop the infertilitytreatments and choose to live without children.
*They will find an alternativeway to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones.
Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.Don't Minimize the ProblemFailure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could HappenAlong the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be ParentsOne of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVFIn vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low OddsOne cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.IVF is Physically TaxingUndergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.IVF Raises Ethical IssuesIronically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVFOn the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.Don't Play DoctorOnce your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:Blocked fallopian tubesCystsEndometriosisLow hormone levelsLow "normal form" sperm countLow progesterone levelLow sperm countLow sperm motilityThin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.Don't Be CrudeIt is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.Don't Complain About Your PregnancyThis message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.Don't Treat Them Like They Are IgnorantFor some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.Don't Gossip About Your Friend's ConditionInfertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.Don't Push Adoption (Yet)Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.Let Them Know That You CareThe best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.Remember Them on Mother's DayWith all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.Support Their Decision to Stop TreatmentsNo couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
For me, the worst thing is when people downplay HAVING kids in some feble attempt to make me feel better about being childless.
The best piece of advice I would give someone is that if you don't know what to say don't say anything! Or just say that you don't know what to say. Don't just fill the air with whatever comes to mind.
I went to my first MOPS meeting this week and had a hard time there leaving in tears (no one saw me thank goodness) Everyone was pregnant it seemed like and talking about their pregnancies. Then they announced new pregnancies, I couldn't get out of there quickly enough. I doubt I'll ever go back.
1.) Don't tell infertile women you know how they feel, you don't.
2.) Don't look down on them for not going to baby showers. Would you want someone there trying to hold back tears?
3.) Don't ask them anything along the lines of "Don't you want to keep trying to have your OWN children" when they tell you about adoption.
Send me an email and I'll email you back a presentation I gave a few months ago on the same topic! :) I'd take too much space if I posted all my opinions/comments here! :)
Be supportive. Ask questions about the process.
don't say that "you are buying a baby"
don't assume that all birthmoms/parents do not care about the child that they are placing. That they are druggies, alcoholics etc.
I personally love that so many of my friends/family members that are pregnant are giving me the same respect in recognizing that I am
"expecting"
Be excited for the adoptive parents.
Don't tell them that the doctors are wrong. That if they pray harder they will get pregnant. That they will get pregnant all of a sudden after they adopt and finally have their own child.
Don't say that they were cheated from having their own child.
Sometimes we don't need advice we are just looking for someone to listen.
Don't say that adoption is so much easier than actually being pregnant, giving birth...that we have the easy way.
After someone tells you that they have decided to adopt, don't ask them if they wouldn't rather use donor eggs, surrogacy embryo adoption.
Best wishes. You are in my prayers.
One other thing...
Don't talk down the birth-mom, don't act shocked to hear she is pregnant out of wedlock or speak of her in any way that is disrespectful. Most adoptive familys love their birthmoms and treasure them.
Do not; share horror stories, say that God just didn't mean for you to have kids, compare infertility or adoption to anything other then infertility and adoption.
Do: celebrate milestones no matter how small and insignificant they may seem to you.
Be compassionate.
Just listen and if you can lift her spirits with jokes or an afternoon out to a movie or something.
Send cards, flowers, get a book relating to what she's going to or a favorite author.
Call and check in on her for no particular reason.
I only had one person (my sister-in-law) that really knew what we were going through when we were trying to get pregnant. She would just talk with me about it and let me talk if I needed to. I remember crying with her many times. And she became a good source of comfort and support for our adoption journey because she knew what we had been through. That's something that fertile people will never understand. If they truly care and want to help I would recommend them getting a book (Empty Arms Heavy Burden) or something to learn how to talk to their friend. But I guess that's why they are having you talk.
Oh and another absolute no is to downplay a miscarriage. I'm thankful we never experienced that but I know so many people have just been told to move on and get pregnant again and I know it can not be that simple.
Good luck!
Hey Becky,
This is a great idea and I'm really glad you're doing the presentation.
I've read all of the comments above and I have to agree with everything else that was said.
For me, another important thing I would say to people who don't know what to say is: ASK! This is a tough topic to discuss and often it can become the huge while elephant in the room without anyone knowing why. Oftentimes I would hope people would ask me how I was or how the process was going so I could have an "in" for discussing the topic. Of course I'm talking about for close friends and family here, not just acquaintances. Simply saying, "how are things going?" can be a great way to let someone know you care and to give them an opportunity to talk about a very personal subject. This might differ for others, but it's something along the lines of acknowledging the pain. When I'm around people who KNOW I've struggled with getting pregnant and who know what kind of road this has been and they don't ask, I feel like they don't care. Sometimes just being acknowledged is enough.
I'm sure I could keep going, but so many people have already hit the nail on the head with the what not to say stuff, so I'll leave it at that for now.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Melba
WOW! You've gotten some great advice and I think it covers anything I would have suggested.
For me the hardest part was all the pregnancy announcements and watching my friends get so excited about their pregnancies. Even with the closest friends, it is still hard. Just remind the pregnant moms to be sensitive.
I also hated hearing people complain about their pregnancies. I had a co-worker who was pregnant the same time I was going through my IVF. My hubby and I decided to treat ourselves to a trip to Maui before we did what we knew would be our last attempt. She had the nerve once to tell me that she wished she was going to Maui instead of being pregnant. She was not having a difficult pregnancy, but she was a wimp and was uncomfortable. I know she didn't mean it the way it sounded and she was known to speak before she thought, but it hit deep with me.
One other thought. Baby showers were also very very hard. I finally stopped going for a while. Tell the expectant moms to still invite their infertile friends, but also be understanding if they don't come. Not inviting them would hurt their feelings, they don't want your pity. Just your understanding.
One of the hardest things for me was knowing that I didn't fit in with my church friends, who were my closest friends. I was thrilled, intellectually, that they were having families, but I was left out of most conversations. It seemed like all they talked about was baby issues, even when I had nothing to contribute. I understand that they needed to share with each other, but it was rude to leave me out of so much of the conversation. The nicest thing any of them did was bring up another topic that I could join in. Now that I'm the mother of a six-week old through adoption, I still try to stay somewhat current on my other interests, even if it's just the latest movies, so that I can share with other people who aren't parents, too. Talking about anything else besides babies helped me feel more normal and less pathetic or sad.
so I haven't read all the other entries because there are so many - sorry if I am repeating someone else:
-Just pray and have faith... pray harder... pray more...trust God, etc....
I am a woman full of faith and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. But this is not what I wanted to hear - and just because I pray more doesn't mean I will get pregnant.
-motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be (yes, people really said that to me)
-you are so lucky! you can still pick up and go whenever you want to!
-If it's meant to be, it will happen.
-Have you started yet? Are your boobs sore? (when waiting for your period after a treatment cycle)
-I just couldn't ever do fertility treatments. I feel like that is trying to play God.
If you say anything, say:
-I can see this weighs so heavy on your heart
-I can't imagine what you must be going through
-Wow. that just sucks.
-I praying for you with this next round of treatment, are you comfortable with me asking you about it or would you rather I just wait until you are ready to talk?
The best thing anyone could do for me when I was in the midst of that painful journey was to validate my feelings and then just shut up and listen. Take me for coffee (WITHOUT your kids) once in a while. Ditch your kids and go shopping with me. Etc...
Hope that is helpful!
Cindy
www.myebenezer.net
Becky, Of course you know as we all do the pain of infertility and even once God blesses you with your child(ren), the pain never fully goes away. It becomes part of us. I'm thrilled to hear churches are open to hearing about adoption from the heart of an adoptive mom. Like so many of these other commenters, the Mother's Days, holidays, and baby showers were the hardest for me. I hated going to church on Mother's Day --I think a reminder to churches that having all the moms stand up or something is so insensitive to those who desperately want to parent. How I wish I had other infertile friends while we were first going thru our infertility journey. I was in a small town and there was no one I knew in our situation. I think our community is much more open/aware, but still people who haven't travelled this journey don't realize they are being insensitive...they don't mean to be, but when all they talk about is their baby, the pain runs deep.
I think moms could reach out to their infertile friends by having a girls night out or exercising together or crafting, etc so that the focus of the relationship is on something other than children all the time. When you desperately want a child, you can be happy for your friends and their children, but you are still desperately sad for yourself.
I will never forget all the baby showers that I would leave from just crying. It meant alot to me that you told me up front you would understand if I couldn't make it to Anna's shower. It was hard to go, but the fact that you were sensitive made it a little easier for me.
My brother and his wife have 4 children and even over Thanksgiving were commenting about how they had them all before age 30 b/c that is just sooo much healthier and easier.....even after being a mom for 7 years now, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way.... I said, "It's nice when it works out the way we plan, but it doesn't always go the way we think it should." Even though they've seen first hand our struggles, they still don't totally "get" it.
This is much longer than I intended, but I think the thoughts of the infertile woman are fairly universal....for some reason, men don't struggle quite as much, but oh, for us girls, the pain.
I'll email you about Lance's b-day...funny that he and Steve are only a week apart!!
I'm sure most of what I would suggest has already been covered, so I'll keep it short.
During infertility, I would have rather people just said they were sorry instead of saying something insensitive. If you don't know what to say to someone who is battling infertility, "I'm sorry for your pain and struggle" can be enough, or just "I'm sorry."
Now that we are parents through adoption, I still can't believe the number of people that tell me I'm going to get pregnant now that we've adopted. If we did, it would be a welcome miracle and further blessing, but honestly, it's furthest from my mind. Our son is everything I wanted!
I hope your presentation goes well and think it's great that you're doing it!
I just want to give you hugs and wish you luck for your speech!!
Hi Becky,
I followed the link on Debbie's blog to find yours. I haven't read through all of the comments so please forgive me if I repeat what others have said.
My husband and I are infertile. We fall into the unexplained category. Although, one of my tubes is blocked ( the other is open). It was an extremely painful and frustrating period for us. We prayed for peace and healing and the Lord gave us a desire to adopt. We started the adoption process over 3 years ago and brought our 2 boys home from Russia last March. We are extremely blessed. The Lord has also taken away my desire to conceive. I feel like our family is complete.
What I hated hearing most from people was that while we were in the adoption process they would say, "oh now you'll get pregnant since you're adopting." Even family members would say it as if that was our motive to adopt!
Also, when people counseled us to keep praying, that was annoying. Like we weren't crying out enough to the Lord for children. I started praying that God would change my heart and take away my desire to get pregnant if that wasn't His plan for us and that's exactly what He did. He replaced that desire with a passion for adoption. I can't imagine life without our sons, they are perfect for us.
Thank you for speaking to others about infertility, it's one of those subjects that makes everyone uncomfortable but it really needs to be addressed.
Blessings,
Penny
Being on every side of this topic..unexplained IF, adoption and birth I feel like I could write a book on what not to say. Most of them have been covered, but I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is that people refer to Olivia has our "own" simply because I birthed her. Fortunately, Mia is still too young to grasp this, but the day is coming when it will really hurt. I also hate now being referenced to every infertile woman..."Well, Jessica couldn't get pregnant, but she adopted Mia and now she is popping them out like crazy." This gives false hope to women and takes credit away from the ONE that has orchestrated it all.
Even for the short time that I endured this (kept my first pregnancy with lots of medication and 7 months of bedrest), it was so painful. Mine was actually a hormone problem but doctors kept saying "It is natural" or "These things just happen for a reason" (and some other comments that I will not share) and I wanted to belt them each time I miscarried. Even though my harsh comments mostly came from ignorant doctors, they were still hurtful. I think doctors now have a little more caution about how the speak and they run simple tests after the first problem instead of letting women go through more without the basics covered. It took me 3 years before I could attend a baby shower. I did go on to have 3 by birth and one by adoption but I can honestly say the loss still hurts. (Especially when one of your kids ask, "How old would my other brother be now? He doesn't know how many times I think about him)
CeCe
Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. I think it's great that you have an opportunity to speak on behalf of those struggling with IF. I think it's great that there's a church in your area that sees that need.
What means the most to me when talking to someone about my IF is when the person really listens and remembers what we've talked about, educates themselves on what the basic terms mean, so that everytime we have a conversation, I'm not explaining the same thing over and over. Just shows that they are really listening and they care. Point being...educate yourself if you're going to try and be a support to someone dealing with IF.
And if they don't know what to say, that's okay...I get that. I don't know that I would know what to say, had I not been through it myself. Just pray with them...you can never go wrong encouraging someone by praying with them.
Lastly, I hear, "have you considered adoption?" MANY TIMES. :) All of us infertiles know that adoption is a definite possibility and I'm personally very open to that, but I also know in adoption that I give up conceiving my own child, carrying my own child, seeing a definite resemblance of me or my husband in our child (you know that conversation everyone has when they just had a baby, 'oh he looks like you, he has his mouth, your eyes, etc)...there is a source of grief that goes with deciding to stop TTC and go forward with adoption. It's best not to suggest it as an alternative to someone's pain and just allow them to get to that place on their own.
I'll be praying for you, girl...what a great thing you're doing! Thank you for speaking on behalf of all of us who have been given the infertile label.
Blessings,
Jill
Great comments, and everything has pretty much been covered but I have one thing to add: for friends who are "in the pool," waiting to adopt, don't start telling them about the agency that your husband's cousin's friend used to adopt a baby for only $4,000 and they only waited 2 weeks, etc. If adopting couples chased down all of the rabbit trails they heard about from family and friends they would be too scattered to make the hard choices they need to make about an agency, domestic vs. international, etc. I had my mother suggesting I adopt from an agency in Oklahoma because a church friend's brother ran it and when I looked into it I found that OK has some of the most expensive, beaurocratic, adoption-unfriendly laws. Thanks for the suggestion, Mom.
Of course, this goes along with the comments others have made about not trying to play doctor to IF couples.
p.s. thanks for stopping by my blog!
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