Reflections of past Mother's Days....

Mother's Day has not always been a happy day for me. I have rejoiced on and in this day for the past 9 years now however, it used to be one of the most difficult days I ever had to face, if not the most difficult. As Mother's Day approaches once again this coming Sunday, my heart reflects on years ago, as it does every year, before I was called "Mother". I know the pain and anguish that many women feel on this day and I don't ever want to forget....

How my life would have been easier had I not had to deal with infertility! Looking back, I can say with all certainty that I wouldn't change who I am because of my experiences brought on by infertility. Looking back, I can also say with all certainty that I would not wish what I went through on anyone! I know the heartache and pain brought on by a deep and longing desire for a child that goes unfulfilled, month after month after month. And I really don't ever want to forget!

I was once one of the many women still out there who find Mother's Day to be so very difficult. A day that is another reminder of that unfulfilled desire. A day that seems to increase the ache felt in empty arms. Even though I am a mother now, I am still very much a part of this group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women together. We are all the same, no matter the walk of life. We understand when no words even need be spoken. There is something in every common experience among mankind that God uses to help unify, comfort, and heal. God has healed my heart and has used many others that had gone this road before me to do so! I want to help do the same for those who follow behind me! I really don't ever want to forget!

There was a time that I could never imagine celebrating Mother's Day. Each year it came, for 7 years, and each time, I went unrecognized. Our church body at the time celebrated it's mothers, as well it should have. Each was asked to stand and each was given a flower. It became a day that I could not attend church, it was too painful. And I felt too guilty. How could I be so selfish? So inwardly turned on my pain and my suffering that I couldn't celebrate and appreciate all these mothers, that were also dear, supportive friends of mine! There are so many out there who still feel this pain and guilt on this day. I really don't ever want to forget!

There was a time that I could not imagine my life without infertility. It held captive every thought, every action, every prayer. What would it be like to have children so easily with no stress. No multiple doctor's appointments. No needles. No pills. No tests and procedures. No minor surgeries. No obsessing over every little twinge and cramp. No charting of cycles and ovulation symptoms. No samples in a cup. No ultrasounds to pinpoint ovulation. No IUI rounds. No 'fights' with insurance over what they will or won't pay for. No lots and lots of money spent. No cycle of hope and despair. No tears. No screaming. No disappointment............. I really don't ever want to forget!

Now, I can't imagine my life without having experienced infertility! Without the trial and the wait for my children! Perhaps I have a love for them deeper than I would have otherwise. I never take a moment of them being here and being mine for granted. They are a very extension of me and could not be more a part of me had they grown inside me. To this day, I can watch each of them sleep and cry! Tears of happiness over how much I love them. Tears for the journey that it took to get them here. I can not imagine a greater joy in celebrating Mother's Day! Infertility will always be a part of who I was and who I am. But, it's something that I no longer grieve about. I have long since acquired a peace about the plan that God had for forming my family! I could not do it then, but, I can do it now........I can praise Him and thank Him and I do not need an answer or an explanation. But, I really don't ever want to forget!

My heartfelt prayer every single Mother's Day is for all those out there, known and unknown to me, who ache so badly on this special day! I remember. I was you. I was there.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:3-5

Always remembering...............always prayerful............always thankful.......that my arms are now full to overflowing!

Finally.......my thoughts for this Mother's Day......

Thoughts of two women, who gave me their children out of love for each of them.....they gave me the gift of Mother's Day........
Thoughts of friends, known and unknown, waiting and aching to be a mother.....
Thoughts of friends, known and unknown, who have children in heaven but, to the world are not mothers....
Thoughts of my Christian sisters who have been and are going down this road of motherhood with me....
Thoughts of my own mother, who I can better appreciate now that I am a mom.......
Thoughts of the young woman who will be my son's bride someday....and who I pray will know motherhood through my grandchildren.....
Thoughts of my daughter........who I pray never knows the ache of this desire unfulfilled.....
Thoughts of both my children.....who make my heart burst with love.............